my heart's a stereo that only plays for you
by butraura
Summary: When Ally goes off to MUNY, she never replies to a number of Austin's emails, and he's under the impression she's mad at him. After several months, he loses hope and stops emailing her. But when she finally emails him back, it isn't all good news. *trigger warning* *oneshot*


Dear Ally,

I have no idea how long it takes to take a plane from Miami to New York, but your plane lifted off 22 minutes ago, so I don't think you're there yet.

I shouldn't have written so soon.

Talk later.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

You haven't texted me yet, so you're probably getting settled in your dorm. I shouldn't have written so soon. I miss you already.

Talk later.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

It's been two days since you landed in New York. You haven't texted yet. Anyway, I hope you love it there. But don't love it too much. Because you need to come back. I need to stop writing.

Talk later.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

It's been a week. Dez broke a trumpet. I think he was trying to recover a sandwich. I don't know, I've been pretty glued to the computer since you left. Why haven't you written?

I'm sorry, that was insensitive. You're still adjusting to NY. Please reply soon.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Trish got fired from the beach club. Apparently beating up a guest (Dez) is 'grounds for immediate termination'. You owe me five bucks since she didn't last six months. I'll accept my payment in the form of an email instead of cash.

Hope your classes are going well. I tried writing a song yesterday, but it ended in Dez beating me 21-17 in a ping-pong match. Your dad almost banned him from the store, because he broke a piccolo. He wants to know where you're keeping Dez's tab?

I miss you.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

I'm failing chemistry, but what else is new I guess. I bet you're acing all of your classes. How's New York treating my favourite person? Good, I hope. It's been three weeks since my last letter. I'm trying not to write so frequently. I don't want you to open your email and see dozens of missed messages.

Please reply when you can. I want to know how you're doing. Maybe we can Skype.

Still miss you.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

When you gave me Owen to take care of, I didn't realize he'd be this annoying. He keeps cawing your name. I think it's silly. Someone who can't go two days without thinking about another someone has attachment issues. Why haven't you written?

Owen misses you.

Austin.

P.S. I miss you too.

* * *

Dear Ally,

It's been a long time since you left. Are you mad at me?

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

I met someone, a very pretty someone. She likes Zaliens movies and skateboarding and she has long dark hair. Her eyes are blue and her name is April and she makes me laugh but I'm scared to like her because I like you and I've liked you for a very long time, and even though we agreed to move on I don't know if I'm ready.

But all I know is that she's very sweet and I told her about you and she understands that I miss you and she really wants to meet you when you come home. The other day I was horsing around with her and Trish and Dez at school and it was the girls against the guys and they beat us and we bought them sundaes from the ice cream shoppe near Mini's. She likes hot fudge sauce and sprinkles and so do I so when she finished hers she took bites from mine and I kept smiling because she makes me forget about the year in my heart that's been there since you left. And she doesn't make me forget about you, nothing ever could, but she tells me it's okay that I love you and she's being a really good friend right now.

I really miss you, Ally. Please respond.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

I just realized that I said I love you in the email from before and it was so easy to type and it felt so right. I really meant it. I really like April though, and I hope that's okay. And even though I don't want you to move on, to forget me, I hope that if you meet someone you like in New York, he makes you really happy. I hope he watches clouds with you and takes you to petting zoos and makes you laugh just to hear your voice and he takes you ice cream shoppes and buys you sundaes and he doesn't get you nuts in your ice cream because you don't like nuts and I hope that you're happy, whatever you're doing, even if it is with a guy.

April and I went and saw the new Zaliens movie with the others last night. It's the fourteenth one. They just keep getting better and better. I'd tell you about it, but if you're going to respond, I don't want to bore you with a long summary of the movie.

Speaking of which, please, Ally, reply.

Miss you.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

It's been over three months. At first I let myself believe that you needed to get settled, but you're almost done your first semester at MUNY, and there's been no response.

I guess you're ignoring me. Please tell me what I did. I'm really sorry, whatever it is.

Please, Ally. I love you.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

I haven't emailed you in exactly thirty-four days. I should be proud of myself, but I'm really sad. Is this easy for you? Why aren't you responding? Why aren't you sending me emails or texts telling me you can't talk.

Even if you told me to screw off, at least I'd have so validation.

I haven't talked to anyone really. Just April. I don't want to ask anyone about you because I don't want you to think I'm intrusive. I'm angry that you haven't responded. I haven't heard your voice in over four months.

I'm worried I might never hear it again.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

I asked April out. She's such a good person, Ally. She almost turned me down because she knows I still love you. But I told her that you evidently moved on, and I guess I should too. We went to Fright Fest in the mall. She was one of the girls from Bikini Beach Blood Bath. I was a Zalien. Wasn't feeling very creative, admittedly.

I had fun with her though. She's great.

Love, Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

I guess that's it. It's been seven months. There isn't much else to tell you.

Dez got a girlfriend, that's new I guess. Her name is Bree. Trish actually likes her so they all get along relatively well.

April and I are going steady. Things are looking up. But you haven't responded. I'm not surprised anymore, just disappointed.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Jimmy dropped me from his label - I haven't written a song since you left and I refuse to let anyone else write for me.

Never will.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Happy birthday, beautiful.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

I can't keep writing these. You never read them, and it hurts to write all the time purposelessly.

Bye Ally,

Love you,

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Your father just told me about the cancer.

He told me you didn't want me to tell me because you didn't want it to ruin my life.

Why would you keep that from me. For a whole year, I led myself to believe you hated me.

Please respond.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Austin,

I couldn't bear the thought of dying and leaving you wrecked and preventing you from moving on. As much as it hurt me to hear about April, I was glad you met someone, and I knew then that it would be okay eventually.

I'm sorry I never responded.

But I hate goodbyes.

Ally.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Then don't say goodbye, Ally. I'll come see you. I'll see you before anything bad happens. Ally I just need to see you. Please.

Please.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Austin,

No. No you can't, Austin. I can't let the last thing you remember is me withering in a hospital. It's terminal. Chemotherapy isn't helping. And for the record, I miss you too.

A lot.

Ally.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Look Ally, I'm going to hop on the plane and come see you. I have to.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Austin,

Please. You have school. And April now. You need to move on. I have surgery in two days, if I make it out, then you can come see me.

Okay?

Ally.

* * *

Dear Ally,

...you don't sound very confident in your odds.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Austin,

I'm not.

Ally.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Ally, please. I need to see you. I love you.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Austin,

Austin, I love you more than anyone in the world. You've been such an important part of my life, and the past few years with you have been the best in the world. I couldn't ask for a better guy to fall in love with, to be my best friend, to be everything I need. And I wake up everyday, completely taken aback at far I've come because of you. I can play my music and sing in front of others, I can smile at the sound of your voice. It's like, I'm dying, but I've never felt more alive than when I'm talking to you. And it's terribly codependent of me to feel that way. But I wouldn't change it for anything.

When I die, please don't cry too much. I want you to continue writing. And I want you to have my book. But I still don't want anyone else to touch it, okay? Don't let anyone read it. I want you to keep it safe. And I want you to love again, to love April and to be happy. Because you deserve as much.

And Austin, please be safe. Don't get in to drugs, or alcohol. Don't be mean to people, either, or so help me god I'll haunt you from my grave. (Just kidding) (sort of).

But in all seriousness, you, Austin Monica Moon are the most amazing person I've ever met. Thank you for giving me the chance to know you.

I love you know, and I'll love you forever.

Ally.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Ally, please don't go.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

Ally. Please respond.

Austin.

* * *

Dear Ally,

I love you more than anything. I always will.

Austin.

* * *

He runs in to the ICU of New York General Hospital, panic written across his face. He barges through people carelessly, trying to find... Well anyone that could help him.

In his disturbance, he slams harshly into a wall, temporarily pausing his endeavours. "Austin?" he hears softly.

His eyes fly open and his head spins in the direction of the voice. He sees Penny, her arm linked with Lester's. Both look like they've been crying and it hits him.

"No," he whispers emotionally. "No. She can't- there's no way." He begins to hyperventilate, and Penny loosens her grip on her ex, moving to wrap her arms softly around her daughter's best friend. He begins to sob uncontrollably. "She can't be gone."

She moves him and sits him down on a chair in the waiting room. "We pulled the plug on her an hour ago," she explains. "She's not gone yet, just comatose. But soon." She takes a shaky breath. "Very soon."

"How?" he cries.

"It happens, honey. It sucks. A lot. But it was too severe. We were at a loss. She begged the doctor just to kill her. But he couldn't. Not in America." Tears roll down her cheek and she wipes them feverishly, changing the topic. "Is anyone here with you, Austin?"

He slouches in a defeated manor and wipes his face. "My mom and my girlfriend. They're outside, finding parking."

Penny nods in understanding. "Do you want to see her?" she asks.

He takes a deep breath and nods, following her down the sterile hallway, the white lights rooting pain behind his eyes.

She opens the door to a dark room, dead silent, save for Ally's ragged breathing. He slowly walks over to the bed as Penny closes the door and leaves them alone. He pulls up a random chair from the corner and sits beside the bed before taking her hand in his. He just watches her for a few minutes.

He kisses her hand and squeezes it lightly. "You'd kill me if you knew I was here," he says to her, though he knows she can't hear him. "I'd be lying in that hospital bed. Not you. God, I wish I could trade places with you." His voice cracks. "You're such a good person, Ally. You didn't deserve this. I'd rather you didn't talk to me for the rest of my life as long as you were alive and happy." A few tears hit her hands and he wipes them immediately, embarrassed.

The room is suddenly completely still, silent. He checks her pulse then, in a panic, and finds nothing. He bends down to her mouth to check for a breath, once again disappointed. His eyes well up again and he falls back in to the chair, letting out a loud scream of rage. "Why..." he cries.

The door opens slowly, Penny and April entering. "Austin?" Penny whispers.

He looks up and shakes his head, tears pouring down his face. Her eyes widen and she nods in acknowledgement, trying to control her own tears, to no avail. She leaves then, presumably to get Lester.

April comes over and gently places a hand on his shoulder. "Hey," she whispers.

He sniffs in response, wiping his face. He stares at Ally's lifeless body. She crouches slightly beside him and hugs him. "It's okay," she soothes.

He sits there, unmoving. "She died," he says monotonously. "I was holding her hand, and she just... She just died." A choke rises in his throat. "How am I supposed to live without her?" he demands.

April looks down at him and bites back her own tears. "You find an anchor, a reason to keep going," she says. "Something to keep you grounded. Maybe it's your music. You said you guys wrote together all the time. Find her in your music. Let her be the rhythm."

"She wasn't the rhythm," he replies sorrowfully. "She was the harmony. The thing that happens when everything fits together so perfectly and you wonder if there really is such thing as magic. She was the magic."

He sobs again and she rubs his shoulder. "So when you write, when you play, think of the magic, think of everything she brought to it. Let it bring the emotion to the music. She'll always be there with you, just not beside you. Don't forget that." He begins to calm down and she smiles comfortingly at him. "She's beautiful, Austin."

He stands up and kisses Ally's forehead softly. "She is," he agrees. Penny walks in then, followed by an emotional Lester, and he whispers goodbye to the grieving parents.

* * *

The next night, when he's alone in his room back in Miami, he looks out the window, overrun with sadness, but no tears. After all he's shed the last few days, he'd be surprised if he could ever cry again.

He's staring at the black and starry sky, sort of angry that it could be so beautiful after such a tragic loss. But he decides that it's beautiful because Ally is with them, and nothing could be sad when such a beautiful person such as herself knocks on Heaven's door.

"I love you, Ally," he whispers to her. He doesn't say goodbye, though, because he hates them too.

And he swears that when he's finally wrapped up in his bed and ready for sleep to take him, he hears his name called softly in the wind, like a melodious song sung just for him by the girl he'd always be head over heels in love with.


End file.
